Rule #1: If you pull into my driveway and honk, you had better be delivering a package because you are sure not picking anything up.
Rule #2: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, as long as you're not looking at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or your hands off my daughter, I will remove them.
Rule #3: I am aware that it's considered fashionable for boys your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off your hips. Please do not take this as an insult, but you and all your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open-minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants 10 sizes too big, and I will not object. However, to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule #4: I am sure that you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier and I will kill you.
Rule #5: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter back safely at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early".
Rule #6: I have no doubt that you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is ok with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.
Rule #7: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?
Rule #8: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, police officers, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, hand holding, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff showing T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided.. Movies that feature chainsaws are ok. Hockey games are ok. Old folk's homes are better.
Rule #9: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has been. However, on issues related to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.
Rule #10: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little time to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice party near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway, you should exit your car with both your hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
P.S: My turn to write blog entries in on Thursdays, and I'm pretty sure my entry will be the one with a lot of random things and pictures! I want to make it all pretty and cute and girly and beautiful and oh-so-awesome! Seriously, just because we have guys in this group, it doesn't mean this blog is supposed to be a masculine blog. The color's navy blue already, so boys, you should be HAPPY, no complaining.
Miss Jess, I promise, when I have to write my real blog entries every Thursday, I'll be more serious than this :)