Sunday, September 23, 2007

Of Life and Futility

7.57 PM. Here I am, settling down to my somewhat cushioned chair, typing on my worn out keyboard. Songs performed by singers and bands such as Sufjan Stevens and A Fine Frenzy quietly fills the chilly air, as though warming the room. It’s quite late at night, and I haven’t finished all of my homework. A scary thought, as I have 17 assignments to be completed over the next week. How I am going to survive IB, I still don’t know. I sip my coffee tenderly, letting the comforting drink run slowly down my throat. As sad as it sounds, coffee serves as my ultimate IB companion.

Despite the mounting piles of work that needs to be done, I don’t stop my mind from wandering away. I love reminiscing the “good ol’ times” - periods when homework wasn’t an issue to us students, when tag was the “it” game for lunch breaks, when sleeping early was still an option (although I rarely seize this opportunity; I was such a fool - these days I would die to obtain a decent night of sleep). Such memories lift my heart laden with tense and fearful thoughts of school, social politics, the future, and what not.

Reality sucks, does it not? I wish such a place like Neverland really do exist, for I would love to forever dwell in it. We all have to go through so many obstacles in our real lives. For example, IB is one heck of an obstacle I would never wish even upon my most hated enemies. All those dramas concerning friendship, all those issues we have within our family makes me wonder if life is worth it. As a melancholic person, I use to be a perfectionist. A single blunder on a school project can reduce me literally to tears. However, I have come to realize that none of the things I use to care will matter in the future. Will receiving the highest grade for a particular biology test matter in the future? Is being dubbed as “the most popular girl” in high school significant in a decade’s time? I think not. So why are we all striving for these futile and worthless goals? Who cares about IB, who cares about high school, who cares about life?

Random story: A friend of mine Edward and I had this conversation a while ago. I told him I was feeling suicidal, and would love to jump off from a bridge. He told me to call him if I ever decide to do such a thing. If he couldn’t persuade me otherwise, he’d jump off with me. Not a bad deal, huh? Kidding. Although I would love to disappear from all the crappiness this current world, I do still care about my afterlife, thankyouverymuch :)

(Note to Ms.Jess: Although this is Sunday afternoon, I wrote this blog around Thursday night. I’m sorry I had posted this so late during the week – I didn’t have the time to post on Friday and Saturday. Lame excuse, I know.. I’ll try my best to be on time next time!)


"Moo," said the cow. said...

Was that a promise? :)

Hey, check out the poll in Longing Silence! :P
And the quote of the week. Maybe then you'll think otherwise of being suicidal.


vitriolic said...

the promise, both u and ML have to call me too and i promise I'll bring some needles filled with sleeping serum and haul both of u to shrinks...


Anita said...

Do not give up..

Mother Teresa herself had a period of faith crisis.. she wrote in a letter to Rev. Michael Van Der Peet: "Jesus has a very special love for you. As for me, the silence and the emptiness is so great that I look and do not see, listen and do not hear."

Yet she persisted in her faith.

Search out the article named Mother Teresa's Crisis of Faith at

Oswald Chambers wrote in My Utmost for His Highest:
"No enthusiasm will ever stand the strain that Jesus Christ will put upon His worker, only one thing will, and that is a personal relationship to Himself which has gone through the mill of His spring-cleaning until there is only one purpose left - I am here for God to send me where He will. Every other thing may get fogged, but this relationship to Jesus Christ must never be."

Btw I also posted this comment on Longing Silence. You all are my loved ones xoxo